My Apple Tree

When I was young,my mother left me at my grandma's house promising she'd return when she got on her feet. I never saw her again. After awhile I couldn't even remember her face, but I never forgot her scent. Before she left me, I'd crawl in her bed Sunday mornings and lay beside her. She'd wrap me in her arms and I'd take a deep breath,inhaling her scent. Roasted cinnamon and hazel. Til this day every time I get a whiff of cinnamon or hazel, I get mixed feelings of love and loss.

There was a apple tree in the back yard of Granny's house. It was tall,strong and its branches stretched out through the sky. And on every branch was a ripe red apple. "Hundreds......no thousands of ripe red apples," I'd think to myself staring up at the tree. When the blaring orange of the sun hit the apple tree every morning,it'd cast a dark shadow over the apples and their faces would smile at me. Beautiful, ghastly smiles just for me.

I didn't get along with the other kids at school. They would make fun of me because my mother had abandoned me (Granny lived in a small town and word traveled fast). They'd say things like, "You're mother doesn't love you!" "Do you even have a mother? I bet you don't. I bet the devil dropped you off in the cabbage patch for someone to find." "I heard your mom was a whore. That's what my mommy says."

 Every day they'd taunt me with their words and  I couldn't fight back. I was powerless against them because the fact was that Mommy had abandoned me and so she couldn't have loved me. The kids said she didn't love me. That was one thing they had said that was true so why wouldn't the rest of their words be true, as well?

Their words would tear me up inside, but I'd never cry. No, that wasn't my release. I'd go behind the local bakery Friday afternoons when they'd make cinnamon cookies and hazel flavored doughnuts. There I'd sit behind the dumpster so no one would see me and breath in the rich aroma until my nose went dry. One afternoon of that and I was ready to go back Monday morning for another week of suffering thanks to my mother.

When the summer drew near, I got into the habit of waking up extra early and going into the back yard. There I'd pull out the ladder, take a broom and knock down a few apples. Ten was a few to me. Then, I'd sit in the yard and surround myself with the apples. Neighbors would walk by and ask me why I did that but I was too scared to answer them. They'd go to my grandma about it and she'd just tell them to leave me alone or she'd put a curse on them. Ha! That was Granny for you.

I loved Granny. From the moment I met her she was forever carved into my heart. She was old, well into her eighties when I was dumped at her door step,but full of more life then a twenty year old cheer leader. Her skin was wrinkled and saggy like wet clothes. Her hair was grey and thick and she had a few missing teeth, but that made her smile all the more original. She was the only one I talked to, though I never told her about the kids at school. I didn't feel like she needed to know. I deserved it after all, I was the daughter of a whore.

Gran was a talker. If I wasn't talking then she was. She'd go on and on about Grandpa. She'd say, "He was so handsome. The best dang pilot I'd ever seen. Oh, all the girls wanted him but he choose me. Ha! That stuck it right to old Sheryl thinking she could get every man." Then, she'd get quiet and wait a bit. Finally she'd say, "He was the best pilot and the most beautiful corpse." I'd sit and listen to every word like a sponge sucking up her knowledge about the war and life.

It was a daily ritual for me to get up in the morning,brush my teeth,get dressed and tell Granny I was leaving for school. She'd give me a smile and a sloppy kiss as a response. I was thirteen when I got up for school,brushed my teeth,got dressed and went to tell Granny I was leaving. The only problem was this time Granny didn't smile nor did she kiss me away. No,this time she lay there,eyes closed and mouth open. I touched her arm lightly and got a chill. I pushed on her shoulder. No movement. I pushed harder still she didn't move. "Granny,I'm leaving." She didn't say a word. "Granny,I'm leaving." Nothing. I could feel my heart began to tear. "Granny,please! I'm leaving. Don't you want to say goodbye! Don't you want to kiss me! Granny,please!" No matter how much I yelled and pushed, she wouldn't respond.

Granny, wasn't saying anything so I went to the backyard and picked twenty apples (double the amount I usually picked) from the apple tree. I gathered the apples around me and sat in the yard, staring at everything. Starring at nothing. I huddled them close and rest them around me. The next door neighbor walked by and looked. Though I had never answered when he had asked me before, he asked again anyway. He said," Why do you do that every morning?"

 I turned to him and said, " So I won't feel so lonely."