Depression & Depreciation: The Life Millions of Us Live

Hey, all my readers! I'm sorry about not posting the last couple of weeks, but recently my grandpa passed away and I had to help my grandmother with the funeral arrangements. But I'm here now and ready to  start blogging again. At first I wasn't sure what I wanted to blog about but after a comment made by my cousin I think I know what I want to say. I don't want people to think I'm whining or that I'm some depressed teenager (though I did use  the word in my title), but sometimes you just have days like this. And I'm sorry if this seems like a typical teen girl post (I'm actually 19 and in college but still in the teens so yeah),but I needed an outlet and I chose this one. If any of you have ever read any of my past posts you probably know that I have posted about this type of stuff before. However, I'm getting ahead of myself, let me back track. I was watching my cousin's son while she was at work. She came in during her lunch break to make sure he was okay. I noticed she kept looking at the leggings I was wearing. I finally asked her what she was starring at and she said that I shouldn't wear leggings. Immediately getting defensive I asked why and she responded that my butt was too big for leggings. I told her her nose was too big for her face and left the room. Though this may seems like a victory, trust me it wasn't. The weight of her comment rested on my shoulders and began to bring me down. Though she only referred to my butt, I'm sure she was also commenting on my thighs as well since they got a lot of attention from her peering eyes. After her insult I went upstairs to be alone which is hard in this house since its always full. Once up stairs I went into one of the rooms and starred at myself in the mirror. I lifted my shirt and starred at my stomach with disgust. I kept asking myself, "Why am I so fat? Why am I so disgusting?" My thighs were next on my list of victims. I grabbed them and measured their width with my hands. Once again I asked, "Why am I so fat? Why am I so disgusting?" Then my arms and before I knew it I was soon picking out every flaw about myself. I mentally screamed at myself for eating that piece of cheesecake and wish I could somehow take it back. Save those calories that were only going to make my butt, things and stomach bigger. Let me give you a brief history of my cousin and I. We're about the same age, only separated  by 5 months. Her mother is white and her father (my uncle) is obviously black. She's light skin and has long silky hair (basically white people hair) and she has always been the skinny one. Me on the other hand, well I was always the complete opposite. I was black ( actually brown skin but I'm speaking in terms of my ethnicity I guess), had short kinky hair ( black people hair) and was chubby. As you could probably guess through out our lives people always preferred her. She was the pretty one. The popular one. I'll never forget when I first saw the Pocahontas movie. I was so amazed by how beautiful and brave this character was that from that day forward I labeled her as my favorite Disney princess. I'll also never forget how when I went to school with my cousin everyone said she looked just like Pocahontas. My heart broke. I wanted to be Pocahontas. I was the one inspired by her to try to be brave and do my best in everything, but despite my love for this character she was the one that everyone said looked like Pochantas. To my young mind this meant that she was  Pochantas, she was the true princess and I was just the ugly cousin, the peasant. As I said before I was always chubby and because of that I was always trying to lose weight. Seriously I'm that person that started dieting when I was eight and didn't stop until I was about 14. No matter what I did I could never get to my desired weight. There was a point where I lost ten pounds and I thought maybe this time I'll be able to do it. Of course after the ten pounds no more weight fell off and I slowly gained it all back. My cousin on the other hand well she was one of those special people that could eat anything and everything and never gain a pound. I gave up fast food and soda and even cut down on my fried foods while she ate all this and more and could still fit into her bikini during the summer time. I on the other hand was stuck in a one piece or just avoided large bodies of water altogether. I didn't want to be mistaken for a whale or worst go to the beach with my cousin while all the guys hit on her and I sat there alone. We've always been together since we're first cousins and this is how my life has always been. Now honestly I'm not that big, but I am overweight( lets say by about 20-30 pounds). I don't have a petite body frame and I wonder if that has anything to do with my struggle to lose weight. Recently, I've become desperate and started looking for anythign that claims its a weight loss miracle. I've looked into sensa and even thought about liposuction. Will I do any of these things? I don't know, but I guess the moral of this story is that words hurt and perhaps I should be confident enough in my self to move on with my day ( no weight on my shoulders), but no one can always be a 100% confident. We all have our insecurities and downfalls and thats why I titlede this post Depression & Depreciation: The Life Millions of Us Live because the truth is I am definitely not the only one out there going through this. We began to devalue ourselves and become depressed. This is the truth and I thought maybe it needed to be said. Until next time my readers.