Standing in No Man's Land Pt 2

And Then...

“But I don’t want to be mixed like the mac and cheese and bacon bits,” I shouted. “I want to be black like you and Abdel.”

She clasped my face in her hands and shook her head. “No, you don’t. Look, you’re special, baby. You got the best of both races. That puts you a leg up over everyone else.”

Abdel’s plate crashed to the floor. He stormed from the kitchen into our bedroom and slammed the door behind him. Mom watched him leave. She whispered, “Boy, can’t accept the truth.”

“What’s the truth?” I asked.

“Shh,” she placed a finger over my mouth. “No more talk about race, okay? You’re my little boy and that’s all that matters. You don’t know how special you are. Now go watch a little tv.”

I knew our conversation was over with. Anytime my mother wanted to distract me, she would tell me to go watch tv I sat on the couch and pretended to watch Spongebob, but all my eyes could focus on was the door Abdel has disappeared behind.

“That puts you a leg up over everyone else.”

So, did that mean I was better than my brother? Just because he wasn't mixed. But he was better at so many things than me. He was the best basketball player in the neighborhood and could shoot mid court. He was good at math, video games and everyone at school loved him. He was everything I wasn't  so, how could I be better than him?

It didn’t make sense and I fell asleep frustrated. This wasn't how the world was supposed to work. I thought everyone was equal.

            “Hey, Amon. Do you want to walk to school with me?” I scarfed down my Cheerios, grabbed my book bag and ran out the door beside my big brother. He had invited me to walk to school with him. I couldn’t believe it and refused to miss the chance.

            As we were walking to school a man lay on the ground at our street crossing. He was mumbling to himself and his eyes kept looking around him. He had a strong smell that reminded me of the bottles in Mom’s locked cabinet. I pressed up against Abdel, trying to stay as far away from the man as possible.

            My brother wrapped his arm around my shoulders. I looked up at him. “I got you, Little Bro.” Abdel smiled and place me on his other side, away from the crazy talking man. He clasped my hand in his. I held on tightly.

            When we got to school he patted my head and left to sit with his friends. I took my usual spot at the last bench alone. It didn’t even matter that he hadn’t invited me to sit with the others. He was talking to me again and he walked me to school. Maybe he had changed his mind about me, maybe we could be friends again.

           

           

            School blew by me. I spent all my time thinking about what I was going to do with Abdel afterwards. We could play basketball, the video game or maybe he’d walk me to the park to get on the swings.

When the last bell rung I waited for Abdel at the school gate just like we used to when I was in elementary, but he never showed up. The school yard was deserted. I walked back into the building thinking he had stayed late for coach class. Where ever I looked I could not find him and soon I had searched the whole building. I left through the back exit and begin to walk around to the front when someone grabbed me. I didn’t have a chance to see who threw the first blow because one came right after the other.

I covered my head and tried to protect my face, so they started kicking my sides. I could now see that I was surrounded by the black kids at school. The older kids, Abdel’s friends, stood back and ordered their younger siblings to beat me.

“He thinks he’s better than us just because he’s light skin.”

I didn’t think that at all. I wanted to be like them. I wanted to be black.

“Beat his ass! Harder!”

 It was an order that couldn’t be refused. Younger kids always admire their big brothers and sisters just like I did Abdel. If he had told me to beat someone up, I probably wouldn’t have refused, but I didn’t know why his friends wanted to hurt me. It had never gone this far before. Just some name calling and chasing but they had never jumped me.

I saw Abdel walking up behind the school. My heart leapt and I smiled as I thought of what he was going to do to these kids for touching me; his little brother. As he got closer, the crowd began to split. I took my arms away from my head, smiled and looked up at him. He had come to save me. They were all going to pay now.

 He was a few feet away from me. I reached my arms up waiting for him to help me to my feet. “Mama’s boy!” he spat the words. His fist crashed against my face and everything went black.

Everything hurt as I walked home. It was dark out. Mom was going to be mad but I couldn’t walk any faster. The last thing I remember was Abdel’s face standing over me, but he didn’t look like himself. Everything on his face was tight and strained. He wasn’t the big brother who had walked me to school; no he was something full of hate. The thing was I didn’t know what I did to make him hate me so much. I didn’t know what I did to make him ask everyone to beat me up. I didn’t know.

 I was a few blocks away from my home when I passed the deli. Toni waved at me.

“Amon!” He patted my head, “what are you doing out so late? Your Mama’s going to have ya head if you don’t get home.” He ruffled my hair.

I remained silent and lowered my head. He grabbed me by my chin and forced my face up into the street light. I couldn’t read the expression on his face, but strangely he smiled.

“What? You getting bullied, Little Amon? Yeah, it used to happen to me too when I was a kid until my Dad taught me to box. You need me to teach you some boxing moves? Come on, let me teach you.” He kneeled down in front of me and held up his fists. He tossed them out, hitting the air on the side of my face.

“Jab, jab, cross. You see? Hit them with a combo like that and those bullies will leave you alone. They didn’t hurt you too bad, did they?” I lied and shook my head, but he still grabbed my chin turning my face from side to side. He patted my cheek when he was satisfied.

“Thanks, Toni.”

He waved his hand. “Don’t worry about it. You know we’re pals, little man. So you going to tell me why those kids were messing with you?”

“Because I don’t know what I am. I’m not black, but I’m not white either.” I closed my eyes and held them tight. “They called me a skunk.” The tears ran hot and fast down my face. Toni opened his arms and I fell into them. He patted my head as I soaked his shirt with my tears.

“Come on, now. Come on, now, little guy. Don’t cry. Here, come into the deli and I’ll make you a Reuben and coke, huh?” I nodded my head into his shoulder. Toni took my hand and led me into the deli where I sat at a small table.  He disappeared behind the counter and returned a few minutes later with my food. I bit into the corn beef and swiss on rye, not even caring that the crust was still on.

Toni took the seat across from me. He smiled, “You must have been hungry, kid! You’re chowing down better than me.” He patted his stomach.

“I didn’t have lunch.” I took a swig of Coke.

“You good?” he asked. I nodded.

“Alright,” he scooted his chair beside mine. “Now listen, kid, I’m going to have a few late nighters coming in. A little bit of a rush. I think I may need some help…” He smiled at me

“But I still don’t know what I am, Toni.” I placed my face in my hands. “Am I black or white?”

“You’re Amon. Toni’s little buddy. Next time those kids bother you, tell them that and if they got a problem they can come talk to me. I’ll throw a few combos their way and let’s see what they say then.” He winked and I smiled. “Now, let me fix you up. Don’t want you scaring the customers.”

I nodded vigorously. “Well, you gotta finish eating first, man.” He gestured towards my plate. I looked at the sandwich. In one swallow I had scarfed the Reuben down. In the next, the coke was gone. I turned to Toni. “I’m ready,” I said with swollen cheeks. He laughed. It was the same laugh my Mom had had the other night at dinner. Pure, nothing but sheer joy.

“Order up!” I rang the bell on the deli counter and waited for the customer to get his meal. An Asian man stood and approached me.

“When did Toni get a little helper?” he asked with a smile.

“I’m not his helper,” I said.

“You his son?” His eye brows were raised in question and surprise.

I wished. “No.”

The man continued to smile, “Then, what are you?”

I froze. My mouth wanted to form the words “I am Amon,” but somehow that still didn’t seem right. I looked around, but Toni was taking care of another customer.

“Well,” my voice was shaky, “my Mom says I’m mixed?”
            He raised his eyebrows even further and shook his head, “No, I didn’t mean-“

“Hey, Leo!” Toni appeared beside me and handed the man his plate. “This here is Amon.” He slapped a name tag on my shirt. “He’s my buddy. Helping me out tonight.”

“Thanks, Toni.” The man nodded and waved goodbye to us.

“You keep that, okay?” Toni pointed to the name tag he had placed on me. I nodded. “You ready to go home? Your Mom is going to kill me, but seems like we won’t be having anymore late nighters.”

“Okay, don’t worry though. I’ll make sure she doesn’t kill you,” I smiled.

I grabbed my coat and book bag. Toni swopped me into his arms and carried me home. He had walked less than a block when I started to fall asleep. My eyes were heavy and I could feel my breathing slow down. I nestled my face into his neck.

“Dad, when are going to be home?” I asked half asleep.

He rubbed my back, “Soon, we’re almost there little man. You go to sleep, okay?”

I drifted off without even realizing.

Mom tucked me in and kissed my cheek. “Don’t do that again, Amon. You nearly scared the life out of me. If you’re going to go over to Toni’s then, come home and tell me first, okay? And that bruise on your face, you need to be careful on the playground. Don’t want your nice skin getting scars.”

I nodded. My eyes were heavy with sleep. She smiled at me, “I can be happy knowing I have a beautiful son like you. You make me beautiful, Amon.” She got up to leave. I grabbed her hand.

“Mommy, I think you’re beautiful. You’re a good person.”

She laughed, “A dark skin girl like myself-“

“I like your skin, Mommy.” I rubbed her cheek. “It’s smooth and pretty. You’re already beautiful.”

She placed her hand over my own. It was shaking. She had closed her eyes and smiled, but it was a sad one. “Goodnight, baby.” She kissed my forehead and left the room. The door closed behind her.

“Half-breed,” Abdel whispered in the darkness.

I walked alone to school again. As I passed Toni’s deli I could taste the Reuben and Coke in my mouth. I would have rather spent the day with him than at school.

The yard was full again. I took my usual seat. Abdel and his friends watched me closely, smiling while they did so. I looked away from them. They weren’t good people. They were mean and no matter how hard I tried they still rejected me. And now they had beaten me up. I didn’t want to be one of them anymore. I didn’t care about Abdel. He was just another black bully in the yard. I looked down at the name tag Toni had given me.

 I was Amon.

Brandon waddled toward me from across the yard. He had a wide grin on his face and his fists were balled so tight his hands were pink. I watched him, knowing what he was going to do. He was going to push me around, call me a few names and tell me I could never be white. I wasn’t good enough to be white according to him, but who was he to say what I was or who I wasn’t? What I could be and what I couldn’t be? Who was anyone to judge me? I was the only one who could judge me.

 I had my name tag, the Jesus man, Toni and Mom. Brandon was just a red faced fat ass. Abdel was a traitor.

I stood and walked toward the back of the school, away from Brandon. Of course, he followed after me, his stomach jiggling the whole way. I wasn’t going to be anyone’s victim anymore.

Usually, only the janitors used the back entrance and in the morning they would leave a broom outside to do the back sweeping. I grabbed the broom and smacked it against the brick wall. The brussel head fell off. I turned around and thrust the stick forward. Brandon stumbled backward. I slammed the stick on the ground and roared.

“Ha!” I shouted.

“What are you doing, mud boy?” Brandon glared at me. Kids begin to appear behind the school from the playground.

“Oreo,” Tyrone sneered from the front of the crowd.

I slammed the stick on the ground and barred my teeth. “I am not a mud boy. I am not an Oreo.”

“He’s mad because he doesn’t know what he is,” someone giggled in the crowd.

I screamed, “I don’t care anymore. I don’t want to be white or black. You all hate me! Brandon beats me up because I’m too black. Tyrone hates me because I’m too white. Ha!” I swung the stick at Brandon as he tried to step forward. He fell to the ground and the stick hit air.

“But I have a white friend and he likes me. I have a black friend, too and he doesn’t care that I’m a little white.”

Brandon scoffed, “Any good white man wouldn’t be friends with you.”

“Yes, he is,” I shouted. “His name is Toni and if you have a problem with it go talk to him and he’ll knock you out!”

Everyone was silent. They watched me and I watched them. Then, they all burst into laughter.

“You still don’t know what you are, halfie.”

“Skunk!”

I raised the stick in the air and slammed it into the crowd. “I am Amon!” I shouted. “Amon, Amon!”  I continued to slam the stick into the crowd and children begin to run. I followed, swinging at their legs.

“My mother named me Amon. I am not a skunk. I am not a halfie or oreo. I am Amon. Look at my name tag!” I hit Brandon on his stomach, he stumbled over. I tripped Tryone and he fell to the ground as well, but I was angry with them all and so I followed behind the others and hit any exposed flesh.

The school bell rang and everyone ran inside the brick building. I stood outside just as the sun spread completely across the yard.

I opened the apartment door. Abdel sat up from the couch as he heard me come in. He starred at me. I dragged the broom stick in my left hand. He sat back down and turned back to the television. My mother came out of her bed room and into the kitchen. She smiled at me.

“Now, what did my little one learn today?” she asked.

“That I am Amon,” I responded.

She raised her brow as she took off her work shoes. “Well,” she said, “that is an important lesson to be learned.”