The Withering Flowers of India

Hello, all my dear readers! Sorry about the delay in writing. Not only have I been having internet issues, but I've been just a little lazy. :) However, my lazy spell has come to an end and I am ready to update you all. First, I only have 12 days left in India. It's really hard to believe. Where did those 18 weeks go? Everything that happened between when I first arrived and now was both interesting and challenging.

I haven't shed any tears yet, but I am sure they will come. India has become like a second home to me now. I have developed a routine and am use to the challenges that come with living in a developing country. When I say I am use to them, I am not saying I enjoy them. I'm just saying somethings you learn to move past. When I moved past all the negativity I saw in India the light came shining in. One of the brightest lights was the people. Sure, I've met several people here that I would call the "less desireables", but the friends I have made here have lights so strong that the darkness disappears. I will truly miss them, but enough of my sobbing. On to the topic of this post!

So, we all know about the whole dowry-arranged marriage gig in India, right? This concept is at least one thing that India is known and famous for all around the world. Of course, the dowry system is illegal and encourages female genocide ( I am strongly against it), but old habits are hard to break, as the saying goes. We know all this. We've watched videos on it and read articles,but have we ever considered the prison a marriage can offer.




A few weeks ago I was speaking to a friend and we always have heated discussions on culture. So, I turned the topic to her marriage. She's 20 now so she has about another 3-4 years before she gets married. Before when we discussed this topic she acted as a very strong advocate for arranged marriage. However, those were early discussions. That was when we were still getting to know each other. Now our friendship has grown and we are beyond the lines of "saving face."

As I talked about her future and what her potential husband would be like her face became dark. Her eyes lowered and she suddenly didn't want to talk anymore. I knew something was wrong and I pushed her. Had I said the wrong thing? She shook her head. Finally, she told me about her dreams. She majors in Physics and is third in her class. She's traveling to the US to do a one month research program and wants to continue working in research after her post grad. She dreams of one day of publishing her own work, having her own money and (as they say here) "rocking." Then, she confesses. She doesn't want to get married immediately. She is still so young and hasn't ever had any time to herself. She wants to do her own thing before settling down. She wants to be able to go shopping and buy whatever she wants with her earned money. She doesn't want to be set to the schedule of a husband or child, not just yet. She just wants a little more time.

She places her pen and notebook aside. She sighs heavily, crosses her arms and begins to tap her foot. I tell her not to worry. That one day we'll both have kids and they will become best friends. I even joke that we can dress them alike, but for her the reality has already sunk in. She shakes her head and says, "We don't know what's going to happen in the future but I know I have to get married...and soon. I won't be able to go into research and still have a husband. I'll have to quit so what is the point of all my studying?" She concludes that she will have to give up all her dreams just to please her family. "This is the way it is," she says.

Now, don't go thinking Indian parents are evil or anything. Perhaps some parents push their daughters to get married just so they won't hold the responsibility anymore, but there are many parents that genuinely care. They know India is still bias to men (especially in careers) and dangerous for women. They also know that thy are getting old and won't live forever. So, they try to get their daughter a good man. One that can protect her and see that she is taking care of. Sure, it's a little insulting to think a woman needs to depend on a man for protection and financial security, but at least their intentions are sincere.

Since speaking with my friend I realize that many women in India feel the same way she does. Marriage is a trap that you will inevitably be forced into. You can dream ,but your dreams will always remain just that. Soon your life will be no longer your own. It will be dedicated to your husband and children (many women are pregnant within 3 months after their marriage).

I'm not a parent so maybe I have no right to speak. I'm also not Indian so maybe I have no right to comment on their culture. However, I am human. I have a heart for feeling and a mind for thoughts that I need to express so here it is...

I understand that parents want to ensure their daughters are well taken care of and have a happy life. I get it, but what parents have a hard time realizing is that behind all those smiles there is a sad girl crying. Yeah, maybe the sadness, regret and "what ifs" will die down as time goes on, but they will always be present. Your daughter will have times when she is sincerely happy, but her mind will always think about what could have been. She will always feel like she didn't meet all her life goals, her full potential. She will always wish she could have had just a little more time before giving up on her dreams and focusing on others. Parents, give your daughter a chance. Let her decide when the time is right for marriage and if it is right for her at all. I know it goes against everything in your culture, but in the end her genuine happiness is the most important thing.

India has millions of withering flowers like my friend. I pray that they get a chance to grow again and stand brightly in this garden called life! Until next time, my dear readers!

P.S. What do you guys think? Do you like the idea of arranged marriage? Do you think many Indian women would agree with me? What do you think these young girls should do?