Time to Say Goodbye

Hello, readers. So, it's been about a month since my last post. Many of you may have been wondering where I had gone. If you read the last post you'll know that I have recently been published. Because I am stepping into the world of publishing I have decided that I wanted to enhance my online presence. Sadly, I do not think Blogger is the blogging site that will allow me to do that.

I will continue a blog, but just not at this time. Currently, I am investigating other blog sites and comparing them. Until I have made my final decision you can keep updated on me and my writing at the link below:

NatashaLaneAuthorPage

I hope that you all will follow me on this journey and I am thankful if you do. If you choose not to, I understand that decision, as well. Thanks for the time we've had together. I hope to see many of you on my facebook page and (when it gets running) my new blog. :)

This is the Terrifying Tasha Monster signing off for good. All the best.

Update On My Book! :)

Well, it's here ( the electronic version at least). My book, "A Meeting at the Grocery Store," is officially up for sale on Amazon. I thought seeing my name on a book cover was the best feeling ever, but I don't think anything beats this! Seeing my dreams become reality leaves me giddy with joy and truly thankful. I appreciate all the support I have ever received. Post, present and future. 











Purchase on Amazon!

Throwback: My Apple Tree (pt 14)

 I watched the trees pass by me. They were lucky. They had some ground, some foundation to rely on. But me...I had nothing. When I fell I would just fall forever and never be caught by any safety net. Thomas died. I read in the paper a few weeks later that he had been in a bad drug deal and lost his life as a result. Forty bullets. Forty holes through his body. I didn't cry though. There was no point because the boy that died was not the same one I fell in love with so many years ago. He was some horrible, dark look alike. I didn't love him so when he died I was actually a bit happy. It was good to be rid of the look alike. The sad part was that my Thomas was now lost forever and I would never find him. I cried for him, not for the look alike.

 The day after I left Thomas in the abandoned house I told my dad everything. I knew he was angry with me, even after we talked. I told him that I wasn't involved in any of Thomas' drug deals or the murder. he believed me, but I could still see this look of disappointment in his face. It was like I had gone past forgiveness. I knew I was dead to him, just a huge disappointment he shouldn't have wasted time to even find so I left early. I was on  the first train at the end of the month.

  My mother was dead, my father saw me as dead, and the man I loved was lost forever. I had spent my whole life trying to find some one to love me,begging, needing to be loved. Now I was right back to where I started, but this time I had grown. I was more mature and had lived life while at the same time learning. Everything was gone to me, but since everything was gone ( and everyone) I had learned to stand on my own two feet. I was independent now. I loved me now and though when I fell I wouldn't have anyone to catch me I would land on my two strong legs and walk on to the next challenge. The sun was setting, my eyes started getting heavy. I felt comforted by the fact that I knew when I opened my eyes again, the sun would be rising on a place unknown
and rising on my new start.

Throwback: My Apple Tree (pt 13)

 It was disgusting. Her arms and legs were limp with no life left in them. Her head was twisted at a sickening angle so that her mouth hung open and her tongue was exposed. I couldn't help but look at the dead body in front of me even though looking at it made me want to puke. The worst part were eyes. They bulged out of her face with accusation, but they weren't looking at me. I followed her gaze and my eyes landed on Thomas. I looked back at her. She was dead, that was sure but she was still trying to tell me something. Trying to tell me why I'm here and suddenly it clicked. I turned back to Thomas, looked at him from head to toe. Fear rested in his face. My blood boiled at the sight of it. How dare he be scared? He wasn't a dead  young girl? He hadn't just been thrown into a murder scene and yet he stood there like a scared five year old!

 I gritted my teeth and charged. Before Thomas could blink I had smacked him across his face. My hand stung so I knew his face did too,but at that moment I could hardly feel it. I slapped him again and again. His face never changed. He took the hits like a champ, I'll give him that. When Thomas began to bleed from my attacks I didn't stop. It actually made me hit him more. I was deranged, soon everything was red and I honestly believe I would have killed Thomas that day if his friend hadn't grabbed my hand. I looked at the dark face of the stranger. Then at Thomas who was holding his face. I snatched my hand from the man.

  " I thought you said she could help us T," the man farthest away from me was referring to Thomas.
"T?" the letter now seemed foreign on my tongue.  "Who are you? Thomas or T? Where's the boy I met years ago?" I could feel myself shaking. " Where's the boy I fell in love with?" I looked at Thomas with blood covering his face.
 One of the strangers stepped out from the shadows. " Yo, if she ain't gonna help us than we gonna have to smoke her? No witnesses."
  " He's right," another voice came from behind me. " I thought you said she was cool, T? I thought you said she was smart or some shit,man?"
 I could feel them surrounding me. I was in danger, but if I died here today by the hands of these strangers I would want to die with Thomas by my side, despite my disgust. I reached out to him.  "Thomas, come back to me. I love you. I've loved you since the first day you touched my hand from across the fence. You're all I need. We can leave this building right now and never look back. Just take my hand."
 "Look". It was the first guy again. "I don't know what this bitch is talking about, but we need to do something with this body. Mary dead.  We gotta get rid of her body. Now."
 I locked her name in my head. Thomas stared at my hand and then he shook his head. "Get out of here."
I bit my lip. His words were like daggers.
" No.......I -"
"Stop pretending,Ginger. Stop acting like this is going to end with a happily ever after ' cuz it ain't. We different people now. I'm a thug and that's what I'm always going to be. You're a college girl. Two different worlds, see? Get out of mine. I should have never brought you in."
  He was serious. Thomas didn't want me in his life. His face was set in stone meaning his words were final.
My heart started beating so loud for a moment all my others senses died. It was only the sound of my beating heart. It beat so loud at a pathetic attempt to block out Thomas' words, but no matter how loud it beat his words were still hanging in the air waiting to be recognized. I walked past him to the door, tears pooling down my face.

 " Bitch you ain't going no where!" One of the strangers lunged at me. Thomas stepped between us and punched the man in the face. " Call her a bitch one more time and I'm show you who the real bitch is." Then he spun around,placed his hands on my shoulders and pushed me out the room. "I told you to leave! Get out!" These words were loud enough so that the others could hear him, but the ones he spoke next were for me alone.
 " Her name is Mary Green. She lives six houses up from here. I love you and I'm sorry." One more shove and my back crashed against a pole hanging from the ceiling. I could feel the pain spread through me. I took one last look at Thomas before he turned his back on me. I would always remember the look on his face at that moment. It was....sadness.  Now my tears were full on. I ran home, but I don't remember doing so. I went to sleep, but I don't remember doing that either. I dreamed of dying alone, I remember that.

Throwback: My Apple Tree (pt 12)

  Summer was coming to an end and my father still would look at me the same. I could tell by his quick side glances and lingering stares that he thought I was the one who killed JD. Though the dealers death wasn't big on the news my father didn't like to think of his daughter as a killer. I just stayed quiet and tried to shrug off his looks, but they bothered me more than I let on. I didn't let him know about Thomas and I.

 After Thomas was taken away he spent a few years in prison until the real killer was caught in another murder. Then, he was released and somehow found his way here. He didn't have a lot of money and most people wouldn't offer a job to a convict. Actually, there just weren't many high paying jobs for a convict so, he ended up in a bad part of town. Thomas told me that at the time he needed some extra money so he started hustling with JD for awhile but as soon as he had enough money he stopped. At first I was angry that he could ever sell death to some one.
" No one under eighteen and to the same person only twice a week. No one ever died from what I sold." I wanted to think of him as that same cute boy from across the street who stumbled over his words because his Southern accent was thicker than a tube of molasses. I wanted to believe that he was still a good person............so I did. I told myself he hadn't changed but I knew he had. His friends,the way he talked.......he had changed. My Dad hated his friends and so he hated Thomas and that's why I chose not to tell him about us. I was hoping to keep it that way until Thomas ( the idiot) had to come knocking on my door.

  "What the hell you doing at my door? I don't like you boys around here. Go on! Go back to that nasty little ghetto, " my Dad's words drifted up to my room. I tossed the covers off and ran downstairs to the door where I saw my Father towering over Thomas who was trying to portray the manners of a respectful Southern boy, but I could tell by his eyes he was getting annoyed.  My Father  still didn't know that I was behind him. I felt like I was in the middle of a battle field. My Father and Thomas were going to battle and I was the neutral party trying to stop the fight. Part of me wanted to run before either one of them saw me so that I wouldn't have to deal with it. I stepped one foot back and floor board creaked. They looked at me. I froze.

"Ginger! I need your help." Thomas lunged forward, but my Dad blocked his path. At the sound of his voice my body became active.
" What is it? Did something happen? Are you alright?"
 He nodded, " I'm fine but this...just come." I  immediately grabbed my coat and headed for the door. " "Ginger, you know this little thug." My Father's words were like ice picks. " I do not want my daughter hanging around with the neighborhood bad boy. I've seen what happens. You gonna end up pregnant and dumb and..." My heart dropped. He was the only parent I had, I would never want to disappoint him, but Thomas.......he needed me, badly.  I could hear the strain and urgency in his voice. I looked at my Dad and then, at Thomas. My palms started to sweat and I bit my bottom lip.

  " Ginger, " Thomas' voice was soft and smooth, " its life and death."
I turned to my Dad, " I'm  sorry Daddy. " I grabbed my coat and went with Thomas but the whole time we were walking I could feel this load of disappointment on my shoulders. We walked a few blocks into the ghetto. Usually there were certain parts Thomas would never let me follow him into but today where we went......it was dead. Vacant buildings,stray animals, people sleeping on the street and this constant fogs of despair that made me want to puke. Finally, Thomas led me into one of the vacant buildings. I looked at him confused but he averted my eyes. He grabbed my hand and gave it a light squeeze. We walked for a few more minutes until he led me into a room. There were three other guys there . They were standing in a semicircle in the corner. Each of their eyes looked me up from head to toe. My heart skipped a beat and my pulse rushed. Every voice in my head was screaming , "Danger!" I stepped back but Thomas held my hand tight. I tugged again but he wouldn't let me go. Suddenly, he pulled me in front of him  so I was facing the three men. I felt like some sort of sacrifice. I looked back at him.
 "Can she help us? " One of the boys asked. Thomas nodded. They followed suit and parted away to reveal the corner of the room. And in that corner was a dead body.

Throwback: My Apple Tree (pt 11)

 I stared at him for a moment, trying to take all that had happened in. My eyes looked over at the drug dealer then they returned to Thomas'. I wondered if he was dead? Thomas had a lot of blood on his hands and JD was not moving so.........

   He coughed and grunted a little. I mentally sighed but continued to shake. Thomas was still there smiling at me. What did he expect? A hug? Even though he did it to protect me, seeing him become savage on another person was disturbing. I tried to say something but I didn't know what to say. He held up a finger, "Hold on." He went to JD and wiped the blood off his hands onto the guys shirt. Then he returned to my side and wrapped his arms around me. "I missed you, Ginger Bread. So much." His arms became tighter.

  Part of me, the young girl who had never kissed a boy before Thomas, wanted to hug him back, wanted to remember his scent, the touch of his skin and the feel of his hair. Still the older part of me that had just witnessed a near murder was scared to move.

  He pulled away and looked at me, apparently aware that I hadn't returned his hug and was shaking. He frowned, " I'm sorry. I wish you hadn't seen that. I didn't even know you lived around here. When I saw him and you I just reacted, ya know? Didn't think about it." He rubbed my arms as if trying to warm them, "You aren't scared of me are you?"

  Inside I screamed, "Yes!" But I was smarter than that. Or maybe I wasn't since I didn't say anything.
"Well, look Ginger Bread, you have no reason to be scared of me. I would never hurt you. I know its been a long time since I last saw you but I hope you still know that." My eyes fell on JD's body again. I felt Thomas grab my chin gently so that I was looking into his eyes. They were still soft like when I had first met him. "And you don't have to worry about JD either. I won't kill him but if he knows that you're with me than he'll be sure to leave you alone. Please say something, you're scaring me."

 I clenched my fists and said, "Lord." He laughed. I didn't.
 "Come on," he said, " I'll give you something to calm your nerves." Immediately images of JD on the corner flashed through my mind.
I pulled away from him and said, "I don't do drugs."
He looked surprised then disappointed, "That's not what I was talking about. I don't do drugs either. I had food in mind. Maybe some pizza?"

  I was unsure whether I should trust him but after all it was Thomas.....Thomas. I agreed to go with him but I didn't accept his hand. For awhile we walked beside each other in silence. He led me to a pizza shop and ordered two slices of cheese. I began to wonder what time it was. If it got too late, my Dad would come out and look for but I didn't want him to come into this part of town. Thomas had led me deeper into the city. The pizzas came.

  He dug into his, "Take a bite. It will make you feel better." I picked up a slice of pizza and chewed slowly. "What are you doing here?" He smiled.
 I shrugged, " I visit my Dad during the summer."
" I bet you're in college aren't you? You were always bright, Ginger Bread." He had pride in his voice.
I nodded, " I'm in school."
 "Just graduated?"
 I nodded, "Yeah. I majored in law."
 "Thinking about becoming a lawyer?"
" I guess but I',m not sure what type of lawyer. I'm stuck between focusing on malpractice and just being a public defender."
" Want to know what I think?" He had a coy smile.
I couldn't help but smile back, "What?"
"I think my girl could do both."
I remembered the day we had first met, when he called me his girl. "But of course you don't mean it like I am actually yours."
He shook his head vigorously, "Of course not. I would never-"
"You said the same thing to me the first time we met. Do you remember?"
He thought about it. "Yeah, I do. Deja vu, huh?"
I nodded. He continued, "But you know I would have made you my girl if I hadn't had to leave."
I missed Thomas. A warm feeling grew inside me.
He chuckled a bit, "Hell, if I could have stayed longer I would have made you my wife."
I sighed. It was a happy sigh. "Thomas." He leaned closer to me and I rested my head on his shoulder. He kissed my forehead and we snuggled close. Still, as I felt his skin, smelled his scent and felt his hair I couldn't help but wonder how much Thomas had changed?

Throwback: My Apple Tree (pt 10)

 I waited by the Bakery for about forty minutes. When he finally came out it was dark and he was alone. To be honest, I didn't know what I was going to do. Was I going to yell at him? Fight him? Try to make him explain himself? Try to get an apology? Suddenly it all seemed like a bad idea but my feet kept moving. They kept following him. I guess what I wanted was him to feel sorry, to feel the hurt that I was feeling.

  There was a club and bar coming up. He turned into the alley between the two establishments. He was going into the side door. I sped up. When he turned into the alley, I came behind him. " Hey," I said my voice came out like smoke. He turned around. His eyes scanned me and a wide smile spread across his face.

  "Well, hey there Cutie Pie." His words and eyes were full of lust. I could nearly see thoughts of me in his head. He'd want to undress me quickly....no not even undress me, just pull down the pants for a quickie and the leave me by the street like yesterday's trash. He fiddled with his fingers but his eyes never left my body. He was like an animal.

 "Now, what can I do for ya? A fine young thing like you, walking all around here alone. I'm sure ya boyfriend wouldn't like that." He stepped closer.

  I stepped back," You're a drug dealer,right?"
 His eyes widened with surprise, "That's what you want, Baby. Well, damn! I didn't think you was  that type of gal! You come up here in ya nice looking clothes speaking all proper and shit. You look more like a white gal to me, but hey I guess you all want a little bit of the good stuff."

 I could feel my stomach churn, "I don't want any of your 'good stuff.' I want my mother back." Before I could think the words had already spilled out of my mouth. I immediately wish I had been more careful. This was a delicate situation, I had to be subtle especially when  I didn't even have a game plan.

  "What?" he jerked his eyebrows and laughed. "What you talking about, Cutie Pie?"
I took a deep breath, " You made my mother a crack head. You sold her right into the grave."
He sighed and then he chuckled, "Man, not another one. I get ones like you all the time. Their family get a taste of the powder and then they can't get enough. They like it  a little too much and then yall wanna come and blame me. Get revenge. Let me tell you one thing, Cutie Pie, what ever happened to your mother ain't my fault. She shouldn't have got hooked!"

  "Do you even remember her name? Her face?" The last part was strained. I was holding back tears thinking of my mother spending all her time with this stranger instead of me.
" Look,"he said," I sell to a lot of hos-"
 "My mother was not a prostitute,a whore,a hooker a slut or any other demeaning term."
He smirked, "Really? Well, I ain't met one crack head dat aint! I bet you're mother did a lot of things for me. Oh, yeah."
 "Shut up, " I gritted my teeth.
"Oh, yeah, all down on-"
"Shut up!"
"Bitch, you shut up. Don't you know who you talking to! I aint no average man for real. I get what I want all the time. And if no one ain't willing to give it to me, I take it!" He licked his lips," Just like right now. I want you. I want that sweet ass, I bet you a virgin. Uh-huh, never been touched. I want to stick you girly. You want me to be ya first, Cutie Pie?"
I gagged . The toast from breakfast came up and I had to chug it back down. I was part nerves and part disgust. Finally, I found my words, " I would never even let you touch me. You are a murderer. You are disgusting!"
He shrugged, "I've been called worst. But like I said, I get what I want. You ain't gonna give me some so I'll take it!" He smiled again,to reveal four gold teeth. Then he approached me at a a quick speed. I could feel myself stepping back. What was I going to do? We were alone. I hadn't seen another person while I was following him. Plus, this was the worst part of town. No one would help me.

  I saw him reach for me before I closed my eyes. I had never been in a fight in my life. I had never even dreamed of being in one. This had to be it. He was going to rape and kill me and leave me in this alley and my whole life would be a waste. I was never meant to amount to anything I guessed. I waited for him to pull me to the ground and turn me into scum, but his fists never touched me. He didn't even get close enough to hurt me. I opened my eyes.

 JD was on the ground and some one, another man, was on top of him. I was frozen as I watched the man on top punch JD's face repeatedly. I was unsure if I should scream, run or.... I don't know. All I could do was stare.
  Soon I could see blood coming from the dealers face but the man didn't stop punching. His fists were like anvils,full of power and able to break through any material.  My voice was meek, but I finally found it, " Please....stop. That's...that's..please stop." He turned to me. His eyes were gentle. He stood and walked towards me. The light from the street lamp shined on him. His hands were covered in blood and some was on his face.

  "I'm sorry," he said, " I got a little out of control. When I get angry I just...sorry, he was going to hurt you. I couldn't let him hurt you, Ginger Bread." He pulled my hair behind my ears with his bloody hands. I was shaking. He called me Ginger Bread...how did he....only one person had ever........

"Thomas!" The name erupted from my shaky lips.
The man smiled. His teeth were pearly white and straight, " In the flesh."

Throwback: My Apple Tree (pt9)

I didn't find JD  that day or the next day or the next week. I would hear little bits of information about him. The kids by the playground said they saw him at the liquor store. Old Mr. Jones said he saw him by the Welfare Building. Some of the teenagers by the building said they saw him at the high school and......well I was just on a wild goose chase. After a few days of searching I took a break but I wasn't giving up. I would never give up on my mother though somehow I felt like she had given up on me.

It was Saturday morning in the summer and the shop was closed which meant I had plenty of time to search for JD. As I walked to the down stairs floor my Father mumbled a " Good morning," to me over his cup of coffee. I didn't respond and he didn't expect me to. I was still mad at him for lying to me, for not telling me that my mother was dead. I walked past with out so much as a sideways glance towards the kitchen. There I ate two slices of toast before leaving my house.
 " Now where will I start my search today?" I said to myself walking down the street. I had been coming to my Dad's shop for a couple of summers now so I knew the neighbor hood fairly well. I walked down on 33rd street and made a left, from there I headed towards Madison Avenue. After that I was just walking, no longer looking at the street signs. My feet guided me where ever they felt was  right. My eyes were cloudy and distant as I thought abut my mom. Our last memories together flooded my mind.
 We were sitting on a bench by the train station. I kept pestering her about why we were here. She was mostly quiet and gave one word answers to my question. I loved my Mom's dark thick hair and braided it as we waited for the train. After a good thirty minutes wait there was a loud tooting. I looked at my Mom and asked her what was making all the noise. She took in a breath and then exhaled.
 It was winter so her breath became misty. Then, she stood as the train just came into sight. I looked at her. She picked me up from the seat and placed me on the floor. She straightened my collar and pulled at my sleeves. "Mommy?" No answer. The train sped into the station and then came to a halt.  There was a call for all passengers. My mother bent down so that we were at eye level. Her eyes were watery. "Mommy, don't cry. Whats wrong?"
After a few deep breaths she could speak. "Baby Cakes, I'm going to go away for awhile."
 " Where you going Momma?"
"Well, I'm not really going anywhere. You are, Baby. You gonna go visit Grandma for awhile. Do you remember her?"
I shook my head.
 "Course, you don't. You was too young last you saw her. That don't matter though. I'm sure you will get along fine with her when ya meet again."
" But I want to stay with you. Mommy."
" I know. I know but Mommy can't take care of you anymore."
"Why?"
"I just can't." a tear fell down her cheek, " I just can't."
" But why?"
She began to shake as tears burst from her eyes. " I want to take care of you, I do , but theres somethings, Mommy's gotta handle before she can take care of you. You understand don't you?"
I nodded, "I guess."
"Good." She handed me my ticket and suite case and shooed me onto the train as its doors opened. She waved at me as the train started up its engine. I smashed my face against the window and waved back. I kept waving until I couldn't see her anymore. If I had only known that that would be the last time I saw her there would have been so much I would have said. So much.
" Hey JD!"
 The name broke into my memory. I looked up and saw the man who had sold my mother death walk into the bakery shop. What was the special that day? Cinnamon cookies and hazel doughnuts. Ironic, huh?

Another Good News Interruption

Hello, all! I hope everyone is enjoying their Sunday morning so far. Now I know this is a little last minute, but just in case anyone is interested I'll be updating my author's fb page periodically today with information about my novella (there may even be a little unexpected information). I'll be answering questions and reading comments through out the day so, if you have some free time and want to check out my posts, you can find my author fb page here:

https://www.facebook.com/NatashaLaneAuthor?ref=hl

Please, feel free to stop in any time and chat. I'll be looking forward to hearing from you all! In advance, thanks for the support and see ya on facebook. :)

P.S. If you were wondering, the picture in this post has nothing to do with the novel, but I think its pretty funny! My bestie is hilarious!

Throwback: My Apple Tree (pt 8)

  " Ginger Bread! Ginger Bread, where you at?" I heard my father's voice calling for me from the inside of his store. I had returned home form college for the summer and was sweeping the sidewalk when I turned and ran into the store with broom in hand. He was sitting behind the counter.
  " Yeah, Daddy," the words still seemed awkward on my tongue even after three years.
  " Can you go get a box for me from the attic? It's the one marked 'Apartment Storage'."
  I nodded, "Yes, Daddy." I turned and headed towards the attic. I went around the corner and reached to pull the attic stairs down. They creaked as I walked up them. As soon as my head poked through the small square my eyes stung from the dust. "How long has it been since he's been up here?" I thought as the dust then traveled down my wind pipe and I began to cough. After getting past the dust wall I finally stepped into the attic which was full of nothing, but boxes. I sighed and went on my search.

"Storage...storage...where is it? Aha!" I grabbed up the box labeled "Storage" and there was a thud as several other boxes fell. A small box nearby fell over scattering newspapers on the floor.I grunted and put the "Storage" box down. I bent down to pick up the newspapers. There was a picture of a woman on the front of a clipping. I stared at her, trying to figure out why she looked so familiar. Then, I realized she was my mother. Fifteen years. It had been fifteen years since I had last seen her. Fifteen years since I had seen her high cheek bones and bright eyes. Her slim shoulders and wide smile.

 I placed my hand on her face. The picture of her face, I mean but it was the closest I'd been to her in so long. I let my fingers run across the photo,trying to get some feeling from it. I felt nothing. "Mommy." I picked the clipping up and read the head line. I became numb. " Local Woman Found Dead In Alley." I snatched the clipping up and ran to my Father. "What is this?" I slammed it on the counter. He lowered his head and a shadow cast over his face. Guilt.

  "I was going to tell you, baby."
  "Tell me what? That my mother's dead! When? When were you going to tell me?" I could feel my breathing getting heavier.
   " I....I..your mother...she was sick. She had been hanging around the wrong people and-"
   "How was she sick? Was it..was it the flu or what?!"
   "The drugs made her sick." He looked up at me, waiting for a reaction but I was stoic. "Ya mother..she was...she was a crack addict."

Childhood memories of my mother flashed through my mind.A She was beautiful. She was bright with flawless skin, thick dark hair and eyes that could see me. Only me.

A few tears ran down his cheeks. I couldn't believe the words I was hearing.

"A crack head? My Mama....no..she......" My Dad tried to reach for me but I pulled back. "Is that what killed her? The drugs?"
 "No," he wiped a hand across his face.
"Then, what? Was she in an accident?"
He sighed and looked away from at the floor. " Somebody murdered ya mama, Ginger."
"What!" My voice came out in a shriek and my hand began to shake. "Who..why.....WHO KILLED MY MOTHER?"
 "They let him go."
"Who?" I repeated myself.
"He's a drug dealer from around here. Ya mother met him a few years back and...he got her hooked. She just went..she just...they call him JD-"
"Where can I find him?"
"Ginger Bread, no." He leapt from his chair and reached for my arm, but I would not be stopped. I ran out the store and though the sky was a light orange all I saw was red.

Throwback: My Apple Tree (pt7)

I sat at the kitchen table with my hands folded. The head of the house sat across from me. We were waiting on my teacher, Ms. Dawson. She said she wanted to speak to me and the head of the house immediately. Something about some news she wanted to deliver in person. My stomach was churning like butter and my palms were wetter than the Mississippi River.

 What news was so important she had to deliver it in person? Had I done something? Were they putting me out? I held in a sigh. I liked school. The teachers were nice and friendly. I learned something everyday and school opened my eyes to the world. Before I went to school I had only heard of places like Paris, Rome and India. In my mind they were dreams, far away places I could never reach, but going to school Ms. Dawson taught me that they weren't as far way as I thought. They were just in my reaching distance all I had to do is work hard to get there. I pictured myself sitting by the Eiffel Tower. A beauty and a beast.

 "Ms. Lewis," my teacher came through the door. She greeted the head of house and then turned to me with a smile, "Hello, Ginger. How are you?"
 "Fine," I replied simply. Ms. Lewis offered her a seat and she accepted. After being seated she shined her sparkling white teeth at me. " I have some good new to tell you."
"She ain't flunk out, did she?" Ms. Lewis questioned me with a weary eye.
 My teacher looked surprised. She shook her head, "No! The complete opposite actually. Ginger is doing fantastic. Haven't you've seen any of her report cards?"
 Ms. Lewis starred at the floor, " I think I may have misplaced them."
 Dawson nodded with a solemn face. She didn't believe a word the woman said. She turned back to me, " Ginger,do you remember the test you took about a month ago?" I nodded.
 She continued, " Well, we just got your scores back."
 "She failed." Lewis interjected.
 My teacher gave her a disapproving side glance, " You received a perfect score."
I could nearly see the delight oozing out of her. I just stared at her, " I guess that's good then?"
"Ginger, thats more than good. It's amazing! Do you know how many colleges you can get into now! They'll nearly be begging for you even if you come from a colored school. Just think from high school to college and from there to India, Paris, Rome and anywhere else you want to go!"
 Little tingles crawled up my toes to my legs and shot out across my body. Before I knew what I was doing, I had my arms wrapped around Ms. Dawson and we were both screaming and jumping around like the world was coming to an end. But we weren't scared. We were ecstatic.
 ":How she gonna pay for it?" the head of house rained on our parade. I could feel myself get soaked.
 My teacher turned to her, "There are scholarships and schools wouldn't mind paying for such a bright young girl."
 "And my Daddy can help too!" I said trying to dry off.
Ms. Lewis took a cigarette from her pocket and lit it. "Ya Daddy ain't got no college money."
She walked out of the kitchen,leaving me alone with Ms. Dawson. I felt a soft hand on my shoulder. Ms. Dawson looked down at me, " See, thats the problem with folks. If they down they want to drag everyone down with them. Ginger, you're going to college. I don't care if you're rich or poor. You're going because you worked hard for it and deserve it."

I spoke to my Father later that night. I told him everything my teacher had said. He just have me a few "Uh huhs" and "Rights". When I was done  I asked him, "So what do you think, Dad?" For a minute he was silent and I thought he was thinking I was a fool, but then he cleared his throat and said, " I told you you was smart like ya Mama. I'm going to send my baby girl to college." No sweeter words had ever been spoken.

A Good News Interruption

Hello, readers! Do you see that face? That is the face of a girl who is both scared and excited! Why? Because I am now a writer for the publishing house Book to Go Now (BTGN). They have decided to publish my novella "A Meeting at the Grocery Store" and when I thought of an image to express how I was feeling, this was the only one that came to mind.

I will continue to post on this blog because not only do I love writing on here, but I think you guys actually like what I write (or at least I hope). :) If you want to keep updated on my novella and the whole publication process, you can like my author facebook page. Here's the link:

https://www.facebook.com/NatashaLaneAuthor?ref=hl

I'll be posting about my book, the publication process and all the other craziness I expect, as I go on this journey. I hope you all will join me and thanks for the support!

P.S. Sorry for interrupting the short story and feel free to let me know what you think about it! Until next time!

Throwback: My Apple Tree (pt 6)

I placed my pencil aside and waited for my class mates to finish the test. There  wasn't anything to look at except the wall. It was cold, hard and blank. Just like me. After Thomas was taken to the local jail, he was charged, sentenced and transported to a prison farther up north. Word was that he was serving life.

My thoughts drifted to the last time I had seen Thomas. He was wide eyed, holding onto the bar windows and being taken away an innocent man though he would be charged as if he was already guilty. From that moment I knew I was never meant to be happy. Everything in my life had been taken away from me. Everyone I loved. My mother, my grandmother,my home, the apple tree, Charollette, Jeremy and now Thomas. My eyes stung with tears and I balled my fists trying to be strong,but I wasn't. I wasn't strong. I was weak and dead inside because what was the point of living when you had no one to care about? And when there was no one to care about you?

 The bell rang. I got up and left out of the class room,not really feeling the other kids as they pushed me aside. The warm spring sun hit my face, but that warmth did not warm my body. The school I attended was only a few blocks from home. The other girls wouldn't get home for a few hours. I didn't know where they went or what they did. One time I tried to follow them, but didn't have the courage to go all the way. All I saw was one girl, Courtney, kissing some boy. My first instinct was to run away, but I stayed. I watched as their lips felt one another.  As their soft light flesh melted together like butter and as they explored the others mouth. I had never been kissed by a boy until I met Thomas and when we kissed I didn't even get to enjoy it. How could a girl enjoy her first kiss when the boy she loved was behind bars? So close, but so far because she'd never be able to touch him?

I felt my lips," And I'll never get the chance to kiss him again." I said to myself. I looked up. The house was just coming into my sight. I'd go in, do my homework,eat dinner alone,probably suffer some teasing at the hands of the other girls and go to sleep with tears in my heart like I did every night. Life was becoming a schedule,a routine with no glimpses of happiness in it. "I must be cursed," I thought at the corner. " Everyone I care about....something bad happens to them. Is that why Mother left me?"

"Excuse me," said a voice from behind me. I turned around to come face to face with a man well into his forties. He was a good height with dark skin, soft eyes, broad shoulders and a thick head of hair. I took in a deep breath. He smelled like honey suckles.

 "Yes,Sir, " I said to him.
He smiled, "Well, I can tell you've been raised right."
"Thank you, Sir. Can I help you?"
"Young Lady, by any chance is your name Ginger?"
 I nodded , "Yes, Sir. May I ask who you are?"
 "Ginger A. Cooper?"
 " How do you know my name?"
 He grinned, "I'm your Daddy."

 "Mr. Cooper, you have to understand it will take a few months before the paper work can run through. After, it's all checked out then you may be able to take your daughter home." said the House Mistress.
 My Father nodded, " Alright, fine. I don't see why it should take that long? She's my kin after all and I gotta enough money to support her. My convenience store brings in more than enough."
The mistress put on a strained smile, " Of course,but your daughter just finished taking the SAT. We want to get her results back before she leaves. This is her senior year in high school, you know?"
 Daddy nodded, "Yeah, I know. I'm sure she got a perfect score! My girl's smart as a whip just like her Mama."
 My heart stopped. I turned to him, "Is Mama with you?" I could see the lines in his face sink.
" Naw. Mama's not with me."
 "Where is she?" I asked as if I didn't already know the answer.
 The excitement in his eyes died down, "I don't know. I saw her about a year or so ago. Came to the store, saying she wanted to get you back. I had been thinking 'bout it too so we talked for awhile and then she said she'd be right back. She left and...well, I haven't seen her since." Guilt ran through his face like a knife through butter.
 I had to ask him, " Why'd you leave Daddy? Mama never told me why. I thought you just didn't love us enough. Why'd you leave me and Mama to rot, Daddy?" I didn't even realize I was crying. He stared at me wide eyed, coughed and straightened his tie.
" I was scared, Ginger. I was young, dumb and scared. Now I know it's gonna be hard for you to forgive ya Daddy, but I want you to know that there wasn't a day that wen by that I ain't think about my little girl. Oh, Ginger.I saw you when you was born. You was so tiny...could barely open your little eyes. Ha! "He was quite for a moment. "But when you did...when you opened you eyes and I saw how big and bright they were....like stars....I knew, I knew I ain't deserve you." He covered his face with two big hands, but I could still see the salty liquid fall from his eyes. "I'm sorry, Ginger," he broke through his sobs, "I'm sorry,but I'm ready now. I probably still don't deserve you, but I'm ready to take care of you now. And I promise I ain't never gonna leave you again, Baby Girl."
I reacted on instinct. Something in me told me to hug this man. My father, a stranger. I needed to wrap my scrawny arms around his big body and let him know that I forgave him. He hugged me back and I don't think I have ever been so relieved to hug someone in my life. It was just from that moment I knew I wasn't going to be so alone in life anymore. I thanked God because it could only be him that gave me the gift of sharing life with another.

Throwback: My Apple Tree (pt 5)

 After that there wasn't a day that Thomas and I didn't meet. I'd be laying in the grass or resting on a tree when he'd come by the gate. For awhile we would sit and chat about little things like the weather, how our day was going or the group home.

 Thomas would come to see me after the other girls had gone in, but one day he came over early with a bag in hand. He came over expecting to see me, but I was nowhere to be found. He looked around the yard. There was a group of girls a bit farther down the gate. Thomas sneaked over to them and cleared his throat. The girls stared up at him.

He smiled, " How ya doing?" They nodded silently.
One of the girls spoke up and said, " I'm doing just fine. How about you?" She let her eyes twinkle and fluttered her lashes.
 Thomas gave her a nervous smile, "The same. I was wondering if you girls knew where Ginger was?"
 Their smiles faded. The girl spoke again. She said, "Why would you want to talk to her?"
 "Well, no disrespect girls, but I don't see how that's any of your business. Now would ya mind calling her over for me?"
 The girl shrugged, "Come on, y'all. Lets get the mute." The trio walked away while Thomas waited by the gate.
The girls appeared in the dining hall. Our eyes met and I waited for them to lay on their onslaught of insults. Instead, they marched up to me and said, "Some boy's outside looking for you."
I paused, wondering if this was a trick.
The leader rolled her eyes. "Well, what are you waiting for? Get outta here ya little mute."
I quickly finished my dishes and ran outside to meet Thomas.
 "Are you trying to kill me?" I questioned when he was in hearing distance.
 "What you talking 'bout, Ginger Bear?"
I sighed, "Look, I like talking to you, but those girls...they hate me. If they knew that...that we were friends then they'd tell the House Mother for sure. I'd be relocated and-"
 "Why they hate you?"
 I shrugged, " Don't seem like most people like me no matter where I go." My eyes fell to the floor and I clenched onto the fence. Realizations of oneself is never easy.
" Hey, look Ginger Bear. Look," his finger trailed across my face. I looked up. He smiled, "I like you. I like you a lot. Hell, you could even say I-" He stopped short the joy fading from his face.
I frowned, "Might say what, Thomas?"
 He shook his head, " Nothing. Look the reason I came over so early was to give you this. I know you probably thought I forgot your birthday, but I didn't so here ya go."
 He handed me a bag. The sweet aroma filled my nostrils and my heart.
" Cinnamon cookies and hazel doughnuts." I said with the sun in my eyes.
 "I came over early to give them to ya fresh. The baker only makes a few batches of them once a day. I wanted to get the first and fresh batch. Sorry, if I caused you any trouble."
 "No,no," I said, "Thank you, Thomas. It's been over a year since I've had these. I didn't mean to get mad I just don't want us to get into trouble."
 He nodded, "I know. I've gotta be getting back soon anyway. Will ya meet me when we come out?" I nodded. "Bye then,"he said.
 "Bye," I returned. I watched as Thomas walked away across the street. "I'll wait for you." I held the bag to her chest.

 I sat waiting for Thomas in our usual spot. I took a bit of the hazel doughnut and closed my eyes as the sugar glazed my tongue. I remembered my mother. How warm and loving she was. How she'd take me in her arms and hold me close. She would do all that and more until she left me, her daughter.
I opened my eyes, full of tears, only to discover two boys staring at me.
 "Are you Ginger?" they asked.
I stood up, "Who are you? Where's Thomas?"
"That's what we came to tell you,"one boy said, "Thomas can't meet you."
 My heart fell, "Why? Is he alright?"
"The Sheriff and deputy took him in for murder."
"Murdering who?" I launched myself at the gate, "Who did he kill?"
"They saying he killed some farmer's daughter when he went into town."
"Tom wouldn't do that," said the other boy.
 "They took him to the jail?" I asked. The boys nodded.
 "Alright then," I said. I moved from the tree and turned towards the group home to walk. When I was a few feet away from the fence I spun around on my heels and ran like the devil was right behind me. With a hard push from my foot, I was jumping into the air and leaping over the gate. The top edges of the fence ripped my dress, but the only thing that mattered was the thing that I was so close to losing forever.
Thomas.
Everything was a blur. I was running past the local diner when my mind went into shock. I looked to my right and saw a police wagon with Thomas in the back. I ran over to the car and jumped onto the back.
 "Thomas!" I hissed.
 "Ginger," he appeared from a dark corner of the van.
 "What are you doing here?"
 "I'm here to see you! I know you didn't kill that little girl. They made a mistake. We just gotta tell the Sheriff that-"
 Thomas shook his head, "I didn't kill anyone but they ain't going to believe that no matter what I or you say.  I'm going to be going away for a while, Ginger Bear."
 "No," I could feel the tears filling my throat, "no. You gottta stay Thomas. What am I suppose to do? You're my only friend. I'll talk to the Sheriff and tell him what you said. You're not a murderer! I know you're not.  I'll find the real murderer myself if I have to."
 "No," he growled, "Don't go getting yaself killed over me. Whoever murdered that girl I don't want you around them."
 "But, Thomas, what are we suppose to do? We can't just taking this sitting down. I'm not a coward and you ain't either. I can't-" His lips met mine. I could feel everything in my body go cold. Everything except my heart which was burning hotter than ever. I pulled away and looked at him, not sure what to say.
 "I love you, Ginger."
I searched his eyes for something. I wasn't sure what though.
 "Come on, Sheriff we gotta take this boy up."
 "Alright, I'm coming, Deputy." I watched as the Sheriff and Deputy left the diner. I gave Thomas a quick glance before dashing into a corner. They came and got in the truck. The engine started and the car drove off. I ran from my hiding spot and got one last look at Thomas as he was sped down the road and for the first time in my life, I cried.

Throwback: My Apple Tree pt 4

A few months later, Charlotte was taken to the hospital to have little Jeremy. I never saw her after that, but I heard that she lost the baby. Doctors said her body just wasn't strong enough. After Charlotte, I was alone again. None of the other girls talked to me beside their side comments about my hair and skin. They'd say things like, " You ever heard of a hot comb girly?" or " What you trying to get a tan? Don't you think you dark enough?" Then, the other girls would sit there and laugh. I never said anything, I didn't see the point. If I said something then she'd say something and it'd become an argument. Next, that argument would escalate to a fist fight. I'd probably be able to take on on of them, but the chances of one of them fighting alone were slim. That's not how things worked. Everyone was divided, everyone had their own little clicks except me. If one of them fought, all of them did. I was alone which was pretty stupid since I already stuck out like a sore thumb. I was a target and they loved playing darts.

  I'd spend most of my time sitting on the playground outside the house. There I didn't have to worry about being called nigger,nappy head, uppity, stupid, snobby or anything else. There I could find a little bit of peace.

 The girl who gave me the most problems was named Mary Anne. Everyone else called her Bloody Mary because it was said that she had killed her parents in their sleep. Police never found the bodies. All they found was Mary in her parents bed crying covered in blood. They couldn't pinpoint the murders to Mary so technically she couldn't be arrested and so they did the next best thing. They stuck her in a group home. Mary never told me why she hated me so much, but any chance she got she would pick on me. Knock my food over, threaten to kill me or have her girls do it, or tell me not to step in her territory. The whole house was her territory so I was safer outside. I could have told the adults what she was doing but most of them were as scared of her as the others. A girl had to stand on her own.

 A lot of the girls had boyfriends at the boys house. It was easy to sneak over at night. The chaperones weren't very diligent or prone to actually checking rooms and security. We weren't really suppose to have much contact. The boys got a recess an hour after we girls had our own. After out recess it was what the chaperones called, "Self Time", meaning everyone spent the next two to three hours locked in their room doing nothing. I hated "Self Time." It made me fell like a prisoner in that room. Those four walls were so powerful. They could come in on me at any moment and I'd be gone like I was never there.

 On the playground there was nothing holding me in. I was free in a way. So I'd usually skip "Self Time" and spend it on the playground. The chaperones never noticed nor did they care. Usually, I'd sit behind a tree so the boys couldn't see me, but I got careless. It was such a nice day I wanted to feel the sun on my dark skin. If the girls saw me they'd ask if I was trying to get a tan and say that I didn't need one, but I didn't lay in the sun to get darker. I did it to try and warm up the cold dead thing inside of me. Try to bring it back to life or at least try to change it into something kind of  alive. I had been months since I even saw a cinnamon cookie or hazel doughnut. The sun was their replacement. Gran smelled like the sun from picking  apples while I was at school. Even during the winter somehow she held the sun in her skin.

 One day I was laying beside the play ground soaking in the light rays. I knew the boys were out, but I prayed they'd leave me alone or not notice my existence. I was wrong. Fifteen minutes into my therapy I heard a rattling at  the gate. I opened my eyes and looked up. There standing outside the gate was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. He was tall with beautiful dark skin and dark chocolate eyes. He was kind of a slim thing but he had nice sized shoulders and most of all he was smiling at me. It had been so long since someone had given me a genuine smile full of admiration, affection and even.....love. Thomas Clancy had my heart the minute he looked at me. The minute I saw that smile.

 'Hi," he said still glowing like the eight wonder of the world.
 "Hi, " I said  and turned away. I wasn't sure of how to act or what to say. Boys weren't really my cup of tea.
 "Can I ask you something?"
 I shrugged," Yeah, I guess." My heart pounded in my chest. I never had so many butter flies.
 "Why you always out here? I mean the others go in, but you don't. Ain't you afraid of getting in trouble?"
 I shook my head, "Naw, not really. I like it out here. It's quiet."
 He nodded, "Yeah, it is. Can I ask you for a favor?"

 My heart turned to ice and my stomach dropped. He probably wanted me to give a message to one of the other girls for him. They'd probably meetup and he'd tell her that he loved her, she was the most beautiful thing in the world and that he wanted to marry her. He'd hold her in his arms and she'd tell him how good it felt to be held by him. I sighed, "Sure." 

His smile grew, "Come closer. It's hard to hear you all the way over there." The surprise had to be written on my face because he laughed. Gran's warnings about men became a chorus in my head and images of Charlotte filled my mind, but my body was no longer under my control. It acted on its own or better it was under his control. I was under the control of Thomas Clancy.

 When I reached the gate, he nodded. "Yeah, now I can hear you from here."
I stared at my feet, "Okay."
He laughed again, " I see you out here all the time. The other guys do, too. We always wondered why you don't go in, but now we know. You just like some quiet."
I nodded  and he continued, "If we ever get too loud just tell me and I'll tell them to shut up 'cause my girl's trying to get some peace and quiet."
I couldn't stop my mouth, "Your  girl?"
He frowned, "I hope I didn't offend you. I didn't mean 'my girl' exactly, I meant it in more of a friend way. I mean if that's alright with you? Would you like to be my friend?"
I had never had a friend before. What was it like? How was I suppose to act? Were there certain rules? Were boys and girls even allowed to be friends? Thousands of thoughts raced through my mind at his offer, but he just waited patiently. There was only one real way to answer my questions and that was to get a friend. Finally, I said, "Yes."
 "Good," he replied, "I like making friends. How old are you?"
"Fifteen," I answered still not able to look him in the eyes completely.
He brightened, "Really? Me,too. I bet I'm older though. My birthday's in September. When is yours?"
 "In June," I replied.
  He said, "See, I beat ya by a bit." There was a loud ring, signaling it was time for the boys to come in. He looked behind his shoulder and then turned back to me, " I gotta go, but whats your name?"
 "Ginger, " I said waiting for him to criticize my name like everyone else. He didn't.
 Instead he said, "Ginger. Mmm taste good on my tongue. Sounds good, too. Well, Ginger I'm Thomas Clancy and I'm glad to be your new friend. " He placed  his hand over mine and I tried to
hide my smile,but failed. "Bye for now, Ginger," and he left except unlike the other people in my life he actually came back.

Throwback: My Apple Tree (Pt3)

I spent five years in Gilman's Group Home for Girls after the sheriff found me at the bakery. He told me that since my mother couldn't be found and I had no other living relatives then I would have to become a warden of the state. So thats what I became. Property.

I traveled to Gilman's by ferry across the water. I remember looking back at my town as it got smaller and I traveled farther away. Soon it became nothing but a speck and after that it was covered by the fog,hidden from the naked eye. Everything about that day was depressing. I was the only passenger. The boat was tiny compared to the others and had barnacles growing on it. The sky was empty and dark. The approaching rain and lack of sun sent the temperature dropping and gave me the shivers.The water was thick and choppy. It'd crash against the boat, send me stumbling on the deck, there'd be a crack of lightning, the waves would come in for a second assault and I'd slam onto a rod on the ferry and think , "God, what have I done?" However, nothing was more frightening or sickening than the deep pit feeling of loneliness.

After I crawled my way off the ferry, a tall stern faced woman dressed in all black snatched me away to the group home. She didn't talk much on the trip except a few mumbles here and there about how the home is a happy place. How it'll be good for my character, help build it or something. I didn't say a word. I stared at the unappealing scenery and could feel myself sinking into a sea of sadness and longing. The trees were scrawny and absent of flowers or leaves. The grassy was scanty and dead. There were a few houses though they looked better fit for dogs than people. No one sat out on their front porch and talked to one another or their neighbors. No kids played marbles, hop scotch or even pretend black jack on the sidewalk.  My hometown didn't have  the most open minded or open hearted folks, but at least it was alive.

When I reached the home I was escorted to my room and told to wait to be called down for supper. My room was tiny but decent enough for me to live in. It was bare and drab like everything else in Gilman but at least it was something to hold onto. Something I could call my own. I sat on the single sized bed, dug in my pocket and pulled out a picture of me and Gran at my tenth birthday. I placed it on the dresser. There was a sharp crack and finally it rained. I stood up and looked out the window. I scanned every inch of the yard looking for an apple tree. My search turned up empty.

My heart was hanging heavy and I knew lots of water from that sea of sadness was filling my lungs. I was blacking out and sinking. But it felt so good. Just to sink,to let myself go,to let everything go,to.......

"Supper is served." The announcement was followed by leaving foot steps. I left my room and ran to catch up to the announcer. She led me to the dinning hall. There I was introduced to the other girls and given some rules. The number one rule was to not ever trespass on the Gilman's Group Home for Boys across the street. That was easy enough for me. I didn't like boys much anyway. They were the worst bullies and weren't good for much but awkward conversation. That's what Gran taught me and I believed it from my own observations. As soon as a girl talked to a boy she'd come to school the next day, face redder then a spring rose and happier than a clown. After that she'd be nearly delusional,ignore the lesson and spend her time eyeing the boy and sighing at him. Then, a little later she'd come in with swollen eyes and tear stained cheeks. Nothing good could come from men. Women either if you looked at me.

Later that night, another knock came to my door. It was still raining and ghost stories Gran had fed me ran rampant in my head. I gulped.

 "Ain't no such thing as ghost, ain't no such thing as ghost." I opened the door. One of the older girls stood before me.

 "Hi," she said with a smile. Before I could reply she had invited herself in and taken a seat. I looked at her. Her belly was big and round like a balloon. "Ripe for baby picking," as Gran would say.

 "Are you alright, Miss?" I asked as she stared at her bare feet. She didn't respond. I swallowed the ball in my throat. I wasn't use to talking to anyone else beside Gran. I spent most of my time listening instead of talking. "Is something wrong with you? I can call one of the Sisters but I don't think we're-"

"Shh!" She hissed, "You gotta be quiet or else the Sister will hear."

"Hear what," I asked her.

She shook her head, "Me in here, of course.

"I raised my brows, "Why are you here exactly?"

 The girl shrugged, "Not sure. I guess cause I don't like sleeping alone. Most nights I'd sneak over to sleep with Jeremy in the boys home, but I can't anymore." She looked up at me for a response but I had none so she went on. "I just don't like sleeping alone. The other girls won't let me sleep with them anymore. They afraid the baby gonna burst out while they sleep and then they'll wake up with blood everywhere. Crazy. You're my last option. The new girl. I like you. You're quiet but my baby stopped kicking when I saw you. Must mean you a good person." She smiled at me. I tried smiling back but failed. "I wont take up much room. Plus you a skinny thang anyway so I'm sure we'll be fine. Here come sit with me."

 Not knowing what else to do I sat beside her. For a long time we were just silent. She stared at  her  feet and I stared at my hands. They didn't seem right without an apple, a pastry or Gran's hand in it. I sighed. "Jeremy use to love when I came to see him," she said suddenly, "but since I told him about little Jeremy he said he don't want me to come over anymore. Something about me tricking him or something. Ya know when I first got here the Sisters told me about how boys were bad and I should stay away. When I met Jeremy he didn't seem bad at all. He was actually the kindest person I ever met and that's why I made the beast with two back with him."

 "The what?" I asked shocked. What type of animal had two backs? She must have seen my puzzled look. "It's from Shakespeare. You'll read it when ya a bit older. Ya know I thought I loved Jeremy, now I don't think I like any boy."

"Gran always said men were good for nothing."

 The girl nodded, "Gran was right. Don't trust men girly. They'll do what they did to me to you. Make ya all round and fat. I don't like boys, but I sure do like my baby." She rubbed her stomach then turned to me, "What do you like?"

I thought. "I like apples,cinnamon cookies and hazel doughnut."

She stared at me, then burst out laughing, "Well, they sure better than boys, ain't they?" I nodded and laughed,too. That night I shared my bed with Charlotte and little Jeremy. Charlotte didn't smell like cinnamon and hazel, but she did smell like roses. Lying next to her and inhaling her scent was what got me through the first
night. It was the best sleep I had since the Sunday my mother left me.

Throwback: My Apple Tree (Pt2)

I sat in the yard until night fall. Then, the police came and got me. They tried talking to me, but I didn't respond. I didn't see the point in talking if the only thing I'd do when I open my mouth was scream. I was hurting so badly inside.

"Why does everyone abandon me?" I thought as the officers led me to the Sheriff's car, "Why doesn't anyone want to stay around long enough to love me?" When I was seated in the car the Sheriff turned around to look at me. He frowned and said, "I'm sorry, Kid,but Old Lady Crones has passed away." He waited for a response. I just stared,waiting for him to continue.

He coughed and moved his shoulder awkwardly, "Do you understand what I'm saying, Kid? You're Granny's gone. She died." I nodded so he'd know I was following. He nodded as well and turned back to the steering wheel. We waited a few minutes for his deputy to tape off the area. When his deputy finally returned, the sheriff turned on the car and drove to the station. "It's a quiet night." I thought as we drove through the town," but it seems even quieter now that Gran's gone."
The car pulled into the station parking lot. The sheriff turned to me, "Okay,kid,now-"
I cut him off, "I know she's dead. I knew she was dead from the start....I just didn't want to admit it." My shoulders began to shake, but I wasn't going to cry. I couldn't. I never did. The officers just shook their heads. They probably already thought I was crazy. Everyone else in town did. I was the weird girl who liked apples.

The Sheriff opened my door to lead me into station, but I wasn't going. I jumped out and pushed him aside. Then, I picked up my scrawny chicken legs and ran like the street was caving in. The officers called and yelled for me to come back, but they didn't chase me. I knew they wouldn't because they didn't care enough. The only person that cared about me was now dead yet I still wanted to see her one last time. Dead or alive....she was still Granny. I ran home,through the police tape like a track star and burst into the front room. I looked around. Nothing had changed. Everything was as Granny had left it the other night. There were still cards on the table from Gran's and my game of Goldfish. The sink had two plates and two forks waiting in it to be washed. Both utensils had been used for chocolate cake. Everything was exactly the same,but the house no longer had that tingly warm feeling. No, now it was like an overbearing dark cloud had taken refuge in my home. That's what my life was without Gran. A dark cloud.

I went in my room,under my bed and pulled up a loose plank. From under that plank I pulled out a tin container full of money. I had been saving it since my eighth birthday. I told myself that if I saved enough money, one day I could buy Granny and myself a huge house by the sea. There was no need for that now. I took the container and placed it in my pants pocket. Next, I went to Gran's room. She was the same as I had left her that morning. I looked at her face. She seemed happy. I wondered if she was happy to die? Just to get away from me maybe? Still, Gran wouldn't be happy until she was lain to rest properly. I went in the back yard and found an apple by the tree. I picked it up and wiped it on my jacket. Then I took it back into the house and placed it on Gran's chest. "You always said you wanted to be buried under your apple tree," I said to her knowing she wouldn't respond, "I hope this is good for now."

 With those words I returned to the front room. Granny liked her house clean so I gathered up the cards and cleaned off the table. Then, I washed the dishes in the sink,dried them and put them away. The floor needed sweeping so I did that,too. The other bedrooms had carpet that needed to be vacuumed. I cleaned them,too. The bathroom was a mess. I cleaned that, too. The living room curtains were dirty.....I washed them. By time I was done cleaning the whole house it was morning,but the apples didn't smile at me like they use too. They knew Granny was gone. Before leaving I went back to Gran's room. I looked at her. Still the same form last time I saw her. "I love you, Gran," I said, "Bye." I closed her door and left out.

When I was outside I walked to the local bakery. As soon as I opened the door a bell rang and all eyes fell on me. I ignored them and walked to the counter where a young brunette waitress stared at me. Like I said news traveled fast in that small town. I tried to smile at the waitress, but failed. I wouldn't be able to smile again until I got my release. "Give me all the cinnamon cookies and hazel doughnuts I can get with this," I handed her the jar. For awhile she continued to stare,but eventually she took the jar with shaky hands and began to count. A few moments later I was greeted with several bags of release. I took in a deep breath and managed a tiny smile.

 "Kid," the Sheriff placed his hand on my shoulder. I looked at him. He was with the deputy who was wiping his mouth with a napkin. The Sheriff had some strawberry frosting on his cheek. They had been in the bakery the whole time. "Kid," he repeated himself, "it's time to go." I solemnly nodded and gathered up my bags. People were staring at me like I was some kind of science project.

 "That's that apple girl."
 "She's so weird."
 "I heard her Gran passed away in her sleep. Poor thing, whose she got now?"
 "Nobody that's who."
" That child is just plain odd. Coming to a bakery after having your only family die! Just ain't right. I wouldn't be surprised if she killed her Grandmother."

I walked in between the officers. As we approached door I looked at the table where the woman sat who accused me of killing Granny. She was accompanied by a man and a baby who was crying like there was no tomorrow. I stared at the man and he stared at me. Then, I walked to his table and said, "I didn't kill my Gran ." I looked at his crying baby. She looked to be in about as much pain as I was so I dug in one of my bags and pulled out a cookie and doughnut. I held it up to the woman and child. The mother looked at me with raised brows, but the baby stopped crying and smiled. "Here. This makes me feel better when I'm sad." I placed the treats on their plates. Nearly everyone in the restaurant was stunned. I looked at the baby," These are my favorites. Whats yours?"

A Throw Back: My Apple Tree Pt 1

When I was young,my mother left me at my grandma's house promising she'd return when she got on her feet. I never saw her again. After awhile I couldn't even remember her face, but I never forgot her scent. Before she left me, I'd crawl in her bed Sunday mornings and lay beside her. She'd wrap me in her arms and I'd take a deep breath,inhaling her scent. Roasted cinnamon and hazel. Til this day every time I get a whiff of cinnamon or hazel, I get mixed feelings of love and loss.

There was a apple tree in the back yard of Granny's house. It was tall,strong and its branches stretched out through the sky. And on every branch was a ripe red apple. "Hundreds......no thousands of ripe red apples," I'd think to myself staring up at the tree. When the blaring orange of the sun hit the apple tree every morning,it'd cast a dark shadow over the apples and their faces would smile at me. Beautiful, ghastly smiles just for me.

I didn't get along with the other kids at school. They would make fun of me because my mother had abandoned me (Granny lived in a small town and word traveled fast). They'd say things like, "You're mother doesn't love you!" "Do you even have a mother? I bet you don't. I bet the devil dropped you off in the cabbage patch for someone to find." "I heard your mom was a whore. That's what my mommy says."

 Every day they'd taunt me with their words and  I couldn't fight back. I was powerless against them because the fact was that Mommy had abandoned me and so she couldn't have loved me. The kids said she didn't love me. That was one thing they had said that was true so why wouldn't the rest of their words be true, as well?

Their words would tear me up inside, but I'd never cry. No, that wasn't my release. I'd go behind the local bakery Friday afternoons when they'd make cinnamon cookies and hazel flavored doughnuts. There I'd sit behind the dumpster so no one would see me and breath in the rich aroma until my nose went dry. One afternoon of that and I was ready to go back Monday morning for another week of suffering thanks to my mother.

When the summer drew near, I got into the habit of waking up extra early and going into the back yard. There I'd pull out the ladder, take a broom and knock down a few apples. Ten was a few to me. Then, I'd sit in the yard and surround myself with the apples. Neighbors would walk by and ask me why I did that but I was too scared to answer them. They'd go to my grandma about it and she'd just tell them to leave me alone or she'd put a curse on them. Ha! That was Granny for you.

I loved Granny. From the moment I met her she was forever carved into my heart. She was old, well into her eighties when I was dumped at her door step,but full of more life then a twenty year old cheer leader. Her skin was wrinkled and saggy like wet clothes. Her hair was grey and thick and she had a few missing teeth, but that made her smile all the more original. She was the only one I talked to, though I never told her about the kids at school. I didn't feel like she needed to know. I deserved it after all, I was the daughter of a whore.

Gran was a talker. If I wasn't talking then she was. She'd go on and on about Grandpa. She'd say, "He was so handsome. The best dang pilot I'd ever seen. Oh, all the girls wanted him but he choose me. Ha! That stuck it right to old Sheryl thinking she could get every man." Then, she'd get quiet and wait a bit. Finally she'd say, "He was the best pilot and the most beautiful corpse." I'd sit and listen to every word like a sponge sucking up her knowledge about the war and life.

It was a daily ritual for me to get up in the morning,brush my teeth,get dressed and tell Granny I was leaving for school. She'd give me a smile and a sloppy kiss as a response. I was thirteen when I got up for school,brushed my teeth,got dressed and went to tell Granny I was leaving. The only problem was this time Granny didn't smile nor did she kiss me away. No,this time she lay there,eyes closed and mouth open. I touched her arm lightly and got a chill. I pushed on her shoulder. No movement. I pushed harder still she didn't move. "Granny,I'm leaving." She didn't say a word. "Granny,I'm leaving." Nothing. I could feel my heart began to tear. "Granny,please! I'm leaving. Don't you want to say goodbye! Don't you want to kiss me! Granny,please!" No matter how much I yelled and pushed, she wouldn't respond.

Granny, wasn't saying anything so I went to the backyard and picked twenty apples (double the amount I usually picked) from the apple tree. I gathered the apples around me and sat in the yard, staring at everything. Starring at nothing. I huddled them close and rest them around me. The next door neighbor walked by and looked. Though I had never answered when he had asked me before, he asked again anyway. He said," Why do you do that every morning?"

 I turned to him and said, " So I won't feel so lonely."

He Told Me Where To Find God

I rode on my bike behind my brother and our two friends, Marshall and Quan. Marshall was leading our group. His dreads swayed as he pumped his way up the hill. I watched his leg muscles flex in front of me and ignored the butterflies that appeared in my stomach. This is how it always was. I was the girl with the guys. The tom boy among the girls. The enjoyer of books, mud pies, climbing trees, wrestling, busted lip and bloody knees. But no one knew this about me because I was also a shadow. The weed in a field of tulips.

What Are Best friends For?

Hello, all my readers! I know its been awhile since my last post, but I'm back and ready to blog away again. :) So, I have a question for you all? Have you ever had a friend you're so close with and so connected to that when you two get together every experience just seems better? I think we all have someone like that, whether they are blood or not. For me, that person is Rebecca, the girl in the photo to the left. We met in high school and since then, have basically been bffnes (best friends forever and eternity). Even when I went to PA for college and she stayed back home in Baltimore we kept in contact and  kept a connection. It wasn't always easy, but we did it.

I think we all have heard the saying "what are friends for?" What are best friends for? Well, I would like to answer that question. Best friends are for...

A Little Video For You All

The addictive song of 2014. Enjoy and expect a real blog post soon ( I've been crazy busy and for that I apologize), but I just felt like this had to be shared. :)

To Everyone Who Said You Couldn't Do It

I remember being a preteen. I was standing in the doorway with my back to my exit while my "family" stared down at me. In many ways, many times, they were the naysayers in my life. I don't even know if they realized what they were doing, but being a kid I took their words and their actions to heart. If they doubted me then, it only made sense that I would doubt myself. I wish I knew then, that they were only the first in a long line of people who would doubt me. In the end though none of these people really mattered. In the end there was only one person who doubted me that mattered. And that person was me.

Before anyone else doubts us, we doubt ourselves. I realize now that most of time I put myself out of the game before I even get a chance to play. This means in terms of love relationships, friendships, academics, work and whatever else. We all do it, but why?

Here's my little input: Because we're taught that it's bad for us to be confident. Hear me out. Our culture (at least the American culture) values a humble attitude. We are taught that being humble will get people to like you. Because by being humble we are, to an extent, downing ourselves. We are telling others around us that somehow they are better. We put ourselves down so that others may put themselves above. The people that put themselves above are the ones that break from our culture. They embrace their talents, skills and have no problem showing them off once in awhile.

Now, don't get me wrong. There is a difference between being confident and being cocky. Humility is still something to be valued. However, with everything there should be moderation. Be humble, but acknowledge your unique abilities. Walk with pride, but remember there is always competition out there.

Most importantly, remember to never let the naysayers become the  "I told you so" people. Use their doubts as your motivation. Use it as your fuel because there will be nothing sweeter than looking back at them and saying "I win."

So, think back to your past. Think back to those people who didn't believe in you. Think back to those people who openly trashed you and your dreams. Think back to the times you trashed yourself and brought yourself down further than anyone else could. Think back to these times and say, "No." Because you are so much more than hurtful words and negative thoughts. You are limitless possibility.

Until next time!

6 Ways to Destress Your Life

Hello, readers! It's been awhile since I posted. Sorry about that. As always things are crazy. I'm one person trying to do too many things, but I know I'm not the only one so push on I shall! Anyway, with all the craziness currently in my life I've been putting a lot of thought into stress and how to get rid of it! These are some of the ways I destress my life. And, yes, some of them may be a little silly, but I hope they can still be helpful to you all. :)

1) Cuddle With a Teddy Bear
Judge me if you wish, but I have no shame! Unlike people teddy bears can't talk meaning they can't complain, but that they can always listen. Are you having one of those weeks where everything id due at the same time and everyone is turning to you for answers? I say shut your bedroom door, grab a soft teddy and vent to your teddy like there was no tomorrow. You'll feel better. Trust me.

2) Watch A Musical
Singing? Dancing? Theater? Uh, yes, please! In musicals people break out into song randomly and dance anywhere they want. It's something about the carefree nature of musicals that releases all the tension from my muscles. Not to mention that singing and dancing are both fun extracurriculars. When you sing and dance, it's just you and that feeling you get from being free. So, pop in your copy of The Sound of Music, snuggle into the couch and let the music take you away.

3)Bake

I don't encourage gluttony, but a little sugar every once in awhile never hurt nobody! But it's not only the sugar. The whole process of baking is relaxing. You have the instructions, you have the ingredients and then, essentially, you just mix them all together and pop it in the oven. Voila! It's simple so, you don't have to over think it and your brain gets some times to rest.

4) Party
Loosen up. There is nothing wrong with, every once in a while, forgetting personal constraints and social restrictions. Go out with some friends, have a drink ( if you are of age, of course), flirt, dance, and do other silly things ( hopefully none you will regret). Partying is all about forgetting the serious business for a night and just having fun!

5) Pick Up A Good Book
Having trouble dealing with your own problems? Why not read about other people's problems then? I don't know about you all, but reading the Sookie Stackhouse series makes my problems seems minuscule and doable.

6) Sleep
It's simple and natural. When you get to that breaking point just say "screw it" and take a nap. Sometimes your body and mind need to restore themselves. Instinctively the way to do this is to sleep. So, don't fight it. Let's the sandman bring you a sweet dream. :)

Your Turn: How do you destress? Do you ave any additions to my list? Any tips on how to live a nearly stress free life? I wanna know. Tell me! :)